Mindful Dilator Exercises - CSM 2015

This protocol is to help you to understand that your boundaries are being respected so that you don’t feel pressure about using dilators.  If you can make using the dilators a more pleasant experience, that helps.  Try to avoid the experience of using the dilators becoming an unpleasant chore.  Try instead to make this a “me time”, a time to pamper yourself.  Consider making it a seductive experience at home, with candles, using some fantasy and possibly using it as a time for arousal and self-stimulation.  Consider using the dilator for clitoral stimulation.  It’s good to remember that they are being used so that you can eventually enjoy intercourse.  So give yourself permission to experiment this way with them, if you’d like.

Remember to stay present and mindful of all your feelings when you do this exercise.  Be aware of and accept anxious feelings.  Do not judge the pain, (just be mindful and aware of it, rather than saying to oneself things such as:  “this is bad” or “I must be a bad case, to feel this way”).  Just say something like: “feeling discomfort and I’ll be gentle with myself and wait for my vagina to open more and allow the dilator in further”.

1)      Lie comfortably supported in your bed with your knees bent and supported by pillows.

2)      Choose the smallest dilator that you might want to begin with.  Use lubricant.  Insert it gently, using the mindfulness approach suggested above.  Remember to wait until your vagina accepts it in, rather than pushing too hard.  Keep it in for 5-15 minutes then remove it and wash, and dry it (good to air dry also before storage, if possible).

3)      When that dilator feels tolerable, then try the next one.  You can use the one you’ve been using first, then try the next larger one for a few more minutes.

Dilator use with your partner

1)      First insert the dilator yourself, as above.

2)      When ready, insert the next size up.

3)      Then go back to the previous size and insert it, having your partner’s hand resting on your hand.  It is important that you feel in control of this process, so stay in communication with your partner and in touch with your feelings.  Know that you can stop or go back to a previous step at any time.

4)      Then have your partner hold the dilator but you do the pushing.

5)      Finally, have your partner do it themselves.

It’s important to realize that this process isn’t about letting someone else do something to you so much as about your decision be receptive.  It’s a choosing to trust and accept rather than a “giving in”.  This distinction should help you to re-frame your experience of any kind of vaginal penetration or examination so that you don’t feel blamed for “not relaxing enough”.  Rather, it will help you to feel empowered that you are making positive choices for yourself.

In summary (with all dilator use- with or without a partner): 

You want to stay present, so you can feel your pelvic floor relax and vagina open.

     Wait until your vagina lets it in.

Be aware of and accepting of anxious feelings (it’s helpful to name them, in order to help you to recognize them and to not judge yourself or be run by them)

Do not judge the pain.

Recognize that this is a process of gradually building trust.

The above suggestions are based on a talk by Talli Rosenbaum, M.Sc., CST, IF (AASECT certified Sex Therapist, Individual and Couple’s Therapist).  Talli is also a former pelvic floor PT, MSPT.  Compiled by Elizabeth Lewis, PT, OCS, WCS.